Grieving or Reminiscing?

Yeah, I wasn’t sure about the answer to that question myself. I was in the basement looking around for a cool piece of wood and ran across the open sign I used to use when I had the gallery. It was a sidewalk sandwich board sign, and I carted it outside each morning when I opened the store and brought it back in each evening. I painted it by hand all those years ago and the finish aged and mellowed in the weather. I unscrewed the back from the front and brought the most weathered side upstairs and put it on the desk in the kitchen.

It feels right. I love it there. The bold graphics were a perfect fit for my shop back in the day, and they are a perfect fit for the kitchen now. I love it that they cover up a badly located outlet. And I moved the clock. (And I’m still looking for an interesting bit of wood.)

I’ve been following the tracking information on my hinges hoping against hope that they would be here by Saturday. There has been no movement recorded on the system today. I suppose that the weird weather may not help. We have some very strange crispy ice stuff coming down outside, too bad it's not snow.

I went looking for photos of the shop and I was disappointed that I couldn't find much on my backup hard drive, I'm not sure where they all are. I certainly took photos along the way! This was the ribbon cutting, see the sign?  There it is!  (And look at that HANDSOME dog who was visiting with his human!)  My parents and some big wigs were there for the ribbon cutting, it was a fun little gig.  I had food drinks, lots of folks visited to get a look at the new place.  It was great.

These photos were from a "Christmas in October" show, the colors were far more muted than usual.  It brings back the memories of that place and how much I loved my work and my time there and the people who found me there and became a part of my life.

There is an OPEN sign in my kitchen. It looks good there.  It comes with lots of good memories so I'm pleased to have it out where I can be reminded... to live the dream.  I think we all need those reminders.

Live the dream, there is no substitute.

-Carmen Rose

I Have a Dream

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed --- "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi , a desert state sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, and rough places will be made plains, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the south. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning "My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must come true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire . Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York . Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California .

But not only that --- let freedom ring from Stone Mountain in Georgia .

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi . From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual,

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Rambling Rose... on Living the Dream

It’s a study of contrasts and it happened all in one evening. I was watching a video created by a Frederick A. Larson who told his story, shared his research and made his point. He was clearly very invested and enthusiastic about the material he was presenting and I got the feeling that it was a very deep and personal thing he had entered into by preparing the video. And as I watched the fruit of his labor, something in me got a little invigorated by seeing a man live his vision. It made me feel like I could catch a dream again, and live the life I want to live. I caught a sense of the possibilities of my own life in watching him live out the finer possibilities of his.

It wasn’t that much later that evening when I was listening in on a conversation about someone I know. They were talking about how he’s making a living, or I should say, how he’s making a killing. He was quickly becoming very prosperous doing something that I’ve done (a little differently, but the same idea) and something that I’ve considered doing professionally. And they were tossing around big price tags, a high risk investment that was turning a high yield. And it was only seconds later that I caught myself in a growing jealousy, thinking that I should get into that line of work again, I should apply myself and take those risks so that we could live with those financial results. I suddenly felt defined by my bank account, like I hadn’t been successful enough, like I really needed to get back out there and just work harder and harder… because what I’m doing isn’t enough, maybe it never will be… and perhaps *I AM* not enough. It was only a momentary flash, but it was the dark, burdensome ugliness of shame.  Spare me.

It was a contrasting observation of two men living their lives, and a flash of feelings and emotions by way of reaction that caught me by surprise. Sometimes we do things just for the money, and most of the time that’s ok… as long as that doesn’t become our primary focus in life. There is one lesson that I’ve learned from my own life and from observation: As long as we do anything in a focused and intentional way, and the motive is just for the money, then there will never be enough. It’s only when we live in our divine purpose that we find that provision and contentment follows, and sometimes those things will be understood in light of the sacrifices required. And when it comes to focus and contentment, one thing is sure, it never comes from comparing ourselves to the other guy, ever. It comes with comparing ourselves today with the person we can potentially grow into if we are focused and intentional. There is time yet, I’ll find my grove. 

So what is the nature of “destiny” and a “dream?” What do I want to do when I grow up? These are questions that have long been a part of my internal conversation. Maybe more so at the beginning of another fresh new year packed with potential and possibility like a clean canvas with lots of vibrant paint colors just waiting... Socrates said “An unexamined life is not worth living.” And since every human life is a gift of God and therefore worth living, the message of the quote lies in examining our lives and dreams in light of these gifts we’ve been given.

My life has been in a difficult limbo in recent years, I’ve walked away from some dreams, put some stuff on the back burner that should never have languished there. I thought it was the right thing to do but it led me to a dangerous place. And as I reconsider what it means to dream and consider opportunities and visions for my future… there is something in me that wants to really get it right this time. I don’t want to take on something that will always leave me feeling that the balance of my checking account somehow determines my worth. It’s not true and the more I work under that assumption the more it will hollow out the place where my heart once was. I’ve seen people I really care about live in that place and my heart has broken over the way they feel stuck, broken and defined by what they are not. It has a way of breaking a human spirit and heart. Lord, have mercy.

There was a season of my life and work that felt very alive and vibrant to me. There was something of destiny in my work, and I sensed the same thing in the speaker in the video. There were people who came to me who were clearly inspired by what I had done and was doing.  There was something incredibly life giving and purpose-full in that time of my life. I’m sad that I’m not there, that I gave away a few years of my life. But I’ll find a way to go back there, if it kills me, and I’m no stranger to sacrifice. I think that as I go back to my roots, back to the basics of who I am and who I’m called to become… that I’ll find my path again. And it won’t be under some shadow of insecurity or keeping up with someone else, or the burdensome laborious process of doing something just for the money or for the shame of who I am not and will never be. I’ll be focusing on who I am rather than who I am not, and I’ll be doing what I love as an artist, because I was born to, and because it’s an expression of who God made me to be.

I haven’t made any resolutions this year, though I could think of a few that it would benefit me to make. Try to get some sleep now and then, get back in shape, read more... But all I really want at this point is to be like the guy in the video who was clearly living his destiny, he was an inspiration to me. And that’s the gift I want to give myself for Christmas in 2010. I want to be able to look back on this year and know that it counted for something, that I took myself and my destiny off the back burner and got back into the race. So my resolution this year is: “forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize..." Philippians 3:13-14 

Thanks for dropping by my blog, thanks for reading my rambling thoughts.  I welcome your comments, as always.  Do what it takes to live the dream, let me know how it's going.
Creating with love,
-Carmen Rose