Friday, March 26, 2010


I celebrated a milestone with a little party at my house this week. I celebrated the end of my period! Why? Because I’m scheduled for a hysterectomy! Hubby and I have been married 19 years as of December 2009. We wrestled with infertility for 15 years, then started an International Adoption in November 2007. We were hoping for three children from Colombia. We had to turn down three sets of children in the process, they never actually did offer us what we asked for which was three healthy children, two boys and a girl, between zero and seven. We recently decided not to adopt three at one time. Furthermore, it is unlikely that we will adopt at all.

I may not join in when mothers speak of their children, I may never have photos of grandchildren to share. I may know nothing of those things and for a long time I felt like I had missed a fundamental element of what it means to be female. Women around the world, rich and poor women of every color shape and size were having children, but not me.

I was in a play a year ago where I played a young pregnant woman. I went through the whole pregnancy from the announcement to holding the baby in my arms each night of the show. It was a difficult challenge, thankfully there were a few close friends who helped me survive. During that season I grieved for the pregnancy I would never have. I got the stage pregnancy, in front of about 8,000 people (over the course of the show) and that is enough.

I’m having a hysterectomy on the 31st. It’s the end of an era for me that comes with some mixed feelings. That sad sad woman, who felt she was missing out, who felt like she was missing part of the experience of being female… that sad woman is going to need to move over, make a little room, give way for to a new creature. And this new woman is going to make her mark on this world, not through her offspring, but through her life.

When I wake up from surgery, my body will be renovated but I’ll still be all woman. And after the scars heal, I’ll get about the business of living my life. No longer childless, defined by what I am not and will never be. If you must define me by my family, then call me child-free. I’ll be strong, vibrant, creative, talented, and full of potential. And I’ll still be one hot bitch! I’ll tell ya, this has been one HELL of a long “period” and I am not sad to say goodbye. And if you listen closely when I’m home alone you might just hear me humming: “Happy Hysterectomy to me…”


  1. Blessings on you, dear Carmen, as you move into a new stage, and a new understanding of what it means to be YOU.

  2. Sara said it so eloquently! I hope for quickly physical healing - it sounds like the emotional healing is well on its way. Take care, and pamper yourself during your recovery!

  3. I am so sorry to hear you are not going to adopt any children and it was a rocky road for you. However, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a quote I would like to share with you.

    "You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." ~ Maya Angelou

    I think you are already on this path! Much love and prayers to you.

  4. Will continue to pray for you and Shane. As the post above mentioned, everything happens for a reason. You are one of the most gifted and talented women I know even from the blogworld! I am astounded at how God gifted ONE woman with SO MANY AWESOME talents! Though you may never bore a child, doesn't mean you won't mother or mentor... I'm almost sure you're doing that on the stage, off, and through church, etc. already. You are awesome AND you're hot, too! :) Hoping this surgery goes well. Praying for a quick recovery! God bless!

  5. Darling Carmen,
    As a child-free woman, I can tell you that there are blessings and love to give (and receive) to many 'children' of all ages out here who have already experienced some of your care and attention. And you don't have to send us to college!
    I'll be praying for your speedy recovery.

  6. I've thought this for a long time, and I hope it comes across the way I want it to. I've always admired you and Shane. You've been married much longer than Sean and I, and have had more years without children. I've always seen you two as living your life with peace about not having children.Whenever I start to get down, I think of you guys and your life encourages me. :) I'll be praying for your recuperation, and adjustment to your days ahead that are different than what you expected.


Related Posts with Thumbnails