Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Roses & Dreams

I'm back to work in the mornings, I manage property for a gentlemen who owns a bunch of property here in town. I was hungry this morning when I came home, so I ran by Food Lion to pick up a few things. I picked up some eggs and veggies for quiche and a chicken for the slow cooker... and I walked by the flower case as I often do. I usually stop and enjoy the flowers for a bit then keep on moving. This time the pink roses seemed to have my name on them... (Carmen Rose... ha ha ha!) so they came home with me.
I tried them in my white pitcher but they were too tall and straggly looking so I cut them a little shorter and tried out this small pitcher. My grandmother used to do some ceramics, the kind where you buy the ware, glaze it then take it back to be fired. The little pitcher is one she glazed, white with little blue speckles. It seemed fitting somehow to remember Nannie and enjoy my roses.
I'm really struggling to get anything done right now. I picked out a few fabrics inspired by this vase and fused them to the wonder-under... but there it sits. My recovery seemed so rapid at first. Now I'm struggling with the lack of energy and even some unexpected pain. I suppose I should take it a little more easy but I have a one person show coming up at the end of the month (Yes, only TEN DAYS!  EEEEK!) and I really need to be in production for that. I feel the *need* to get back to work... but struggling to find the motivation and energy.

I did manage to pop the chicken into the slow cooker and make three quiches today though. I haven't felt like eating or cooking and I'm getting tired of cooking for one. So, now I can pop a slice of ultra healthy tofu, bacon and veggie quiche in the oven in the morning and have an excellent breakfast with no fuss. Yeah, tofu and bacon... healthy and unhealthy... that's just crazy, but really, it works. I also put in spinach, red peppers, mushrooms, fresh pineapple and extra sharp cheddar cheese. I forgot to put in the onions and the salt and pepper. Oh well.

I am giving some thought to what is next for me. Now that I have chosen to be child-free instead of becoming an adoptive mom, I can be more career focused again. I felt like my life was on hold for those two years that we gave to the process. I'm giving some thought to getting a job or opening a gallery, or or or... I'm spending some time just holding the question "what do I want?" It's a bit like considering what I'd want said of me at my funeral, what kind of mark would I like to leave? What do I want to be known for? I can chose, life is not lived entirely accidentally.

There is an element of "how am I going to make a living?" in my dreaming at this point as well. My friend says that when someone asks him what he does for a living, he wants to be able to respond that he doesn't work, he plays. I've had seasons of my life where my work brought me so much satisfaction that I didn't consider it work at all. I'd like to find that zone once more. So I'm taking some time for consideration, healing, and dreaming. And perhaps some of the answers I seek will present themselves. It's difficult to be at rest in this uncertainty when I get impatient, but I will walk in the light I'm given. And time will tell.

Happy Creating,
-Carmen Rose

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